Crypto Islands for Crypto Bros, Bahamas style

4 min readApr 22, 2022

“WELCOIN TO CRYPTOLAND: The Last Resort Hodlers” was written over an arch in one of the scenes in the 18-minute animated sales presentation for CRYPTOLAND, which the marketers claim is a “paradise made by crypto enthusiasts for crypto enthusiasts.”

The promotional video, which has since been removed, was widely mocked and described as lame and cringe-inducing. The 3D animated video was crammed with every meme, joke, cryptocurrency motivational quote, and crypto bro reference that could have ever been made.

After further research, it was revealed that the project was authentic. Nonetheless, it raised serious concerns that it could be a potential scam or a future humanitarian crisis akin to the Fyre Festival horror show.

This crypto island project, which gained immediate notoriety with that unhinged video, took more sinister tones. Who knew that people could make buying land via NFTs sound ominous?

Casual research revealed that the couple behind the project, Max Oliver and Helena Lopez, had been involved in a doxxing scandal back in Spain.

Oliver was even known as “the man all Spanish YouTubers hate,” an endeavor to which his girlfriend, Helena, had significantly contributed.

So how come these two very unsavory characters have undertaken such a project? It was simple; there was money to be made.

Whether they are aware of it or not, the majority of crypto enthusiasts embrace libertarian beliefs. They value personal autonomy, political liberty, limited state intervention in their lives and businesses, freedom of choice, and the ability to associate and cooperate voluntarily with others.

So it was only natural that there were a few known attempts to acquire or claim property where governments had little or no influence.

Nation-states have ceased to be the highest form of authority, and they are gradually collapsing under the weight of globalization.

Therefore, what a life centered on an island ruled by a blockchain-based government, commerce, and algorithmic technology would look like, would be of great interest to many people. Creating a crypto-only island would be nothing short of a revolution.

A revolution brought about by technological evolution. A mini singularity event.

But not for Max and Helena. Like all con artists, they are shallow, self-absorbed, and one-dimensional and believe that everyone else is the same way.

A simple logical deduction from their project ​​reveals who they think they are dealing with. Simply “crypto dudes” who know memes and want to get rich quick.

So they designed their whole project around those tenets.

That island, according to them, will be divided into three areas, Cryptoland Bay, House of DAO, and the Blockchain Hills. The bay would be a massive theme park with every meme that has ever existed related to crypto, and the DAO was to be a startup village for further blockchain technological inventions.

The hills would be the residential area, accessible only to those who had bought a one-acre parcel of land available as an NFT, starting at 319 ETH or $1.2 million.

The toilets there are all called shitcoins, and toilet paper is called wipe paper. A Lambo drives the protagonists of the video ad home to “the blockchain hills,” which, surprise, surprise, has a bear fur-rug.

This island is named Nananu-i-cake and is situated in Fiji. Despite “Cryptoland’s” website assertion of an “island purchase agreement,” the island is still for sale, and the starting price is $12 million.

This project has so many red flags that one can feel free to refer to it as the “Cleptoland” project. The cherry on top is that you are allowed to buy NFTs only as long as you can confirm that you are not a US citizen.

It has nothing to do with racism or xenophobia, though, and it probably is more of a healthy fear of US prosecutors who have started a crackdown on rug-pullers.

It’s unclear whether they’ve sold any NFTs thus far, but pieces like this remind people to be wary of “bear rug-pulling” scammers. It also serves as a warning to would-be scammers not to put their reputations on the line like this.

Nevertheless, if even after all this, you are one of those who says, “f… it, I’m going to buy one of them NFTs,” then it’d be best to visit their official website. Afterward, go straight to the neurosurgeon! Your pillow may be drenched every time you wake up, not from perspiration but from brain matter oozing from your lobes somehow!

I shit you not, the Cleptolanders beat me to it!

Featured image:
Twitter // Cryptoland

Written by:
Hunter S. Shitson

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