Uranus becomes a point of contention between NASA and NOSHIT

In October 1957, the Soviet Union (USSR) launched its first spacecraft Sputnik, making it the first man-made object in Earth’s orbit. Needless to say, this was what started the “space wars”, because around four months later, the United States of America (USA) launched its own satellite into space.

Seeing this, the Soviet Union said something like ‘this is nothing, we will go to the moon soon’. And to the moon, they went with their spaceship Luna 1 although it missed its orbit by 5900 km.

Back here on Earth, the US government, after passing the five stages of grief, replied, paraphrasing here ‘“I’ll do you one better, I will put boots on the moon, soon”.

So in 1969 (the year as far as we know was not chosen to dis USSR, it was just a coincidence), Apollo 11 landed on the moon, and the first words spoken there “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”, were etched on the books of history and the minds of all humans for all times.

Needless to say, the US won the ‘mon soon’ war. But history tells us time and time again that the winner usually gets complacent and arrogant.

So when in November 2021 NOSHIT launched its project to reach Uranus, scientists at NASA regarded this move with envious eyes, and slowly and surely drew their plans against us. And early in 2022 came the great announcement.

“Uranus’s time has come”, they said.

Their reasoning is that they have already probed Mars, Venus, Saturn, Jupiter, Mercury, and some of Jupiter’s moons such as Ganymede, but not Uranus.

The probe would perform a multi-year orbital tour of Uranus, and it will have to get used to the smell because, and this is true, Uranus has a really stinky atmosphere. But that is only one of the myriad of mysteries surrounding Uranus.

It is the only one tipped sideways, it leaks all over the place, its magnetic field is off-kilter, and is relatively large for its small-scale components. In other words, Uranus is utterly weird.

It’s rings are unique in our planetary system, and even emit mysterious X-rays. To say nothing that some of its icy moons are prime candidates for extraterrestrial life. Scientists believe that some of these moons are potential ocean worlds, and as on Earth, in the depth of these oceans volcanic vents might provide for entire ecosystems of life.

They made this mission a priority for the next decade, meaning that the probe most likely will not be launched for another 15 to 20 years.

That is plenty of time for us NOSHITTERS to colonize Uranus. Since we all know that URANUS is huge, we can even form our own proprietary kingdoms. So in the future, whatever country comes there first, be it China, US, EU, India or Russia, the first thing they will have to do is file for visiting visa, pay the toll, pay taxes, and of course pledge allegiance to NOSHIT and to our credo and sing our anthem “NOSHIT in our lives, NOSHIT in our wallets”

Because there is one thing that we know here at NOSHIT, is that Uranus should not be like a free highway where people come and then go, as they please.

The US might have beaten the USSR, but this time they have bitten more than they can chew. NOSHIT is not a drunken communist regime, but a focused, hard-working, and down-to-earth (for now) organization.

Written by:
Hunter S. Shitson
@GonzoShitson

Illustrations by
Esfínter Bidet
@boilingunderwear

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